A little late...poor little neglected Blog!

Round and round we go and here we all are again on the eve of a new year.

This is usually the time to re-evaluate what we have done and make the decisions or resolutions of what we wish we could change in our lives.

The one thing we all hope for is happiness.

There is so much suffering in this world… how can someone be completely happy? I guess it´s just not possible; at any given moment, there is a child, a woman, a man somewhere in pain, an animal suffering, Nature being devastated, how, then, can someone be happy? Truly?

No matter how great we seem to be having it there are always those moments of defeat, the moments when we just wish we could stay hiding in our dark room and let the world sort itself out. But that never happens. And you get up, and you put a smile on your face and you go out and live your life to the best of your ability. And there is always something that, at the end of a day will make you say: This was a good day!

The love of your child, a hug from your spouse, a call from a distant friend, a silly conversation on facebook, a job well done…

I guess that´s the point of it all, to be able to find the precious moments that make it all worthwhile.

So, round and round we went, and here I am again sitting at my computer wondering what the new year will bring. 2011 was not perfect, but it brought out new sides of me I didn´t know existed.

I wonder if 2012 will be the year to really go after my dreams?

I hope so… I hope it is the year known for dreams coming true! For friends and families to reconcile, for the world to finally be safe. – enter piano playing.:))

Oh well, even though nothing may change, when the clock strikes midnight I always believe in the possibility of magic!

This is what I wish for me, and for all of you in this next year – that you never cease to see the magic that life has to offer.

Happy New Year Everyone! 

Hatred

It´s not an emotion you like to admit to feeling, it´s not pretty, or politically correct, but you feel it anyway. I feel it.

I don´t believe in that crap that hate is love in disguise.

I believe you can come to hate someone you have loved but not the other way around.

And, when someone you love lets you down or hurts you deeply, it´s not really hate, it´s bitter disappointment, and then just cold indifference.At least it is for me.

I feel hate, the real kind of hate, the kind with deep dark roots knotted around my insides, and it usually comes from getting to know someone better and realizing that it is a person I will never come to respect, or admire, whose morals go completely against what I believe in.
Or then I hate complete strangers, those people who are simply not even worth the air they breathe such are their horrendous deeds.

My hatred stems from deep disgust and contempt.

What´s coming my way...

I blame fear of failure for a lot of frustration in the way I live and see my life.
I have a dream world and a real world, and they never ever cross paths.

Sad, really.

I have wanted to be so much more, to do so much more and now I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have not accomplished what I had set out to be.

My biggest problem is the unwillingness to give up security. I need to know whether I will be able to pay my bills, to live in (if not comfort) at least safe in my home. So I never really went after things that would not allow me to stay in that safe environment. And whenever I did risk something, sometimes I would just give up for fear of rejection.

Recently the saying that –“If you don´t try, the answer will always be no” has struck a cord within. I feel that I have allowed my fears and my own sense of failure to keep me back from reaching for my dreams.

What does it say about me that when I am so excited about something, no matter how unrealistic, or improbable, but that makes me so happy, I allow people around me to say things that just tear me down?

It is so discouraging. It all keeps piling up and I am just about ready to turn my life around.

Baby steps… baby steps… I can´t change my familiar surroundings in one fell swoop, but little by little, I know I can make it.

God knows I am still petrified of what´s to come, but for once, I am not cowering in a corner hoping nothing will touch me, I am facing it head on. 

Pet Peeves (part two)

Here are some more related to driving...

Drivers that overtake you at full speed to then get out right at the next exit! I think this is criminal.

Jerks who take up 2 parking spaces.

Drivers who tailgate and even flash the lights to make me move over!!, Sometimes I hit the breaks just to give them a scare! Risky, I know, but I hate these people!!! If I am overtaking a truck, (usually over the speed limit), then where the hell do these people expect me to go? Fly?

Drivers who take forever to leave a parking space while others are clearly waiting for it.

People that don´t move when the light turns green.It doesn´t have to be in that very second, but it shouldn´t take forever!

People that realize that a lane of traffic is backed up so they go into the next lane over because it is moving quicker and they go up to the front and expect someone to just let them back over in that lane.

Ok, vented enough for the day!

Pet Peeves (part one)

I get annoyed over many things. I have been told by some that doing that takes years off my life. Well, telling me to not get annoyed is a sure way to get me in that state.

So...

Letting someone pass in front of me in traffic and then that person doesn´t move or allows many other drivers to pass.

I hate it when a driver is going ever so slowly (way under the limit, while the light is green) and stops just before the light turns red!!

When I want to get cash quickly from the ATM, but a person in front of me is paying endless bills!

Living is the slowest way to die

Screaming and no one listens

Hurting and no one sees

Dying and no one cares

How to fill this emptiness?

Every waking hour is torture,

Every second of life is pain

When is it, that one moment of your life where you learn to hide, where you learn to become a splintered soul?

How is it that you can seem to shine the brightest, smile the happiest, appear to be perfectly whole and all the while feel you are not there, that you are in the darkest corners of your mind yearning to be free, to feel something other than the despondency that became your true self.

How to stop this pain, this utter despair that grips so fiercely and doesn’t let go? How to truly live life and not just feel it sweep past you… untouched, unscathed, unnoticed…

Disappearing,

Fading away into nothingness,

Going to sleep and dream and never leave my dream

Oh how I wish for something and how I fear that something.

Nothing makes sense

I try to hold on but my grip is loosening

The tears remain unshed.

No cleansing for me.

No redemption, no salvation, nothing.

The first one

Every night, during that period between being alert and asleep, I write and write so many things in my head; letters, posts, emails, books... anything about everything. And they make so much sense, and I tell myself, I must actually write this down.

But then I fall asleep and with morning comes alarm clocks, rushing into the shower, getting baby ready, having breakfast, then traffic, then work. And in the midst of all this, anything even remotely good I might have "written" is lost! My main problem, is that words don´t come to me as easily when I am trying to put them on paper. It´s very frustrating!

So, taking my husbands´advice, I have decided to start this blog, to use this medium to channel all these thoughts that just run around in my head, many of them giving me insomnia.

Who knows? It might be cathartic.

I have no pretense of being a poet or a novelist or even a writer, that would be an offense to those who actually have talent.

I supose it´s not very original, but that is not my intention, anyway. I am simply sending my thoughts out into the world, with no expectations. This is for me first, and then we´ll see how it turns out.